..:: life's a B e A c H ! step lightly into the realm of the unknown. ::..
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Quezon - my paradise...ehem...thanks glenny for this pic.
Tuesday, June 29, 2004
  Just Because...
it's amazing when, bloghopping from one site to another, you read entries from persons you never knew existed, that express the exact same sorrow that you're feeling. Thanks to Chel (nope, i don't know her and she doesn't know me, but i regularly visit her blog. hehe) for allowing me to lift stuff from her site. it's weird because when i read a part of her archive, i felt like my own story was deja vu in the making. :)

i got this really inspiring poem from her. she posted it in PEx a long time ago.

Just Because

Just because no one has been fortunate enough to
realize what a gold mine you are, doesn't mean you
shine any less.

Just because no one has been smart enough to figure
out that you can't be topped, doesn't stop you from
being the best.

Just because no one has come along to share your life,
doesn't mean that day isn't coming.

Just because no one has made this race worthwhile,
doesn't give you permission to stop running.

Just because no one has realized how much of a woman
you are, doesn't mean they can effect your femininity.

Just because no one has come to take the loneliness
away, doesn't mean you have to settle for a lower

Just because no one has shown up who can love you on
your level, doesn't mean you have to sink to theirs.

Just because you deserve the very best there is,
doesn't mean that life is always fair.

Just because God is still preparing your king, doesn't
mean that you're not already a queen.

Just because your situation doesn't seem to be
progressing right now, doesn't mean you need to change
a thing.

Keep shining,
Keep running,
Keep hoping,
Keep praying,

i'll keep the faith...

i distinctly remember sis mec wrote a poem with the same title. i'll look for it. :)

Tuesday, June 22, 2004
  thank you.
despite the tears and the heartache, it still makes my heart smile that i have friends who have done their best to make me feel loved the past three months.

after each night of crying and agonizing over the sorry state of my life, it's always a sweet surprise to find little gifts and thoughtful notes like these on my desk:

* a choco mousse and a couple of recycled balloons with "we love you" on it
* a pack of yakult, tuna sandwich and a note that says: "mag-breakfast ka! wag yakisoba. :)"
* a pack of yakult, a subway sandwich and this: "these may not ease the pain in your heart, but i hope it'll take care of your tummy. smile. :) it's a beautiful day!"
* a subway sandwich with another note: "i know you'll need the energy. :)"
* a yummy fruit tart from deli france with this: "may your life without you-know-who be fruitful. cheer up sweetie! today is a beautiful day!"

those, and then some more:

* coffee breaks and kokology at starbucks
* free dinner of prawns and lobsters from bubba gump
* 2.4 kg of crabs galore at the seafood club
* instant drinking sessions over tuna belly sinigang and sisig at gerry's

i don't think i can ever list down all the little everyday stuff they do...from 20 min - 1 hour logical breaks at the 12th floor...to looonnggg AOL chats and my neverending, neverchanging rants about how unfair life is...to the somewhat sober and pleasant conversations over lunch...

and what makes it more touching is that my friends never had to do any of these things, yet, they still exert the extra effort just to see me smile. and though i know they don't want to see me cry, my tears would still fall. not for the pain, but for the blessing that is my friends. they have shown me that through all the anguish and the pain, there are still a lot of other reasons to be happy.

what else is there to say, but THANK YOU. so much.

Monday, June 21, 2004
if i can listen to this version of Gary V.'s song without feeling that familiar ache in my heart...i'd be glad...because i've finally stepped on to another level of moving on...

each passing night

- gary valenciano -

maybe now I can show you what went on in my mind when I first heard this song that moved me. and hoping someday it would soothe the mem'ries of every broken heart, of every single broken heart.

Each passing night
I try and close my eyes
But thoughts of you
They wake me up
And tear me inside out

Each passing night
I ask myself who's right
And try to find the reasons why
It had to end that night

Didn't we share each other's dreams
We held each other tight
Ang tears fell from my eyes
As you walked and left me here
Like the wind you passed me by
I try but I can't see
If it's something that I said
Baby please won't you tell me now
'Cause it gets harder each passing night

I often pray
That you'd come back and stay
We've had too much together
To ever live a part
I'll wait and see
'Cause I know and I believe
Someday you'll come to realize
What you and I can be

Then we'll share each other's dreams
We held each other tight
Kiss the tears that burn my eyes
'Cause you walked and left me here

Like the wind you passed me by
I try but I can't see
If it's something that I said
Baby, please won't you tell me now
'Cause it gets harder each passing night

I never meant to hurt your heart this way
Sooner or later
There'd be someone else who'd stay...

Friday, June 18, 2004
  The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams.

here is an excerpt from this really nice story of the velveteen rabbit who became REAL.

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

"I suppose you are real?" said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had not said it, for he thought the Skin Horse might be sensitive. But the Skin Horse only smiled.

"The Boy's Uncle made me Real," he said. "That was a great many years ago; but once you are Real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always."

i wanna be Real. :(

Wednesday, June 16, 2004
  and so goes...
the best piece of advice i ever got...

this is a part of my big BOO's mail. made me cry while i was reading it. sniff.

Heartaches are there to remind us how truly lucky we are when we do find the person who will be with us forever...

If we let sadness overcome us, then we're doomed to be unhappy always. Let sadness make you feel alive by feeling the pain. But do not let it take over your life. It's the sadness and ache that makes it real. At least you know you're capable of loving someone. In time, you will heal if you let yourself heal...

m so thankful that he never tires from hearing me out. :)

Monday, June 14, 2004
  truth hurts...and lies too.

last saturday, i found out that not all people who says something and looks at you in the eye is telling the truth...

oh how it hurts when, after defending him to your friends and to everybody else, you find out later that everything's a lie after all... :(

Wednesday, June 09, 2004
  can i just say...
m so incredibly sad today?

i need a hug. sniff. :(

Monday, June 07, 2004
  for dyanis...
i promised her these letting go articles. :) to the authors, m so sorry i can't give proper credit. i got these from forwarded mails and since they don't have titles, i'll just name them Untitled #1 and Untitled #2. hihi. :)

Untitled #1
If you find yourself in love with someone who does not love you,
be gentle with yourself.
There is nothing wrong with you.
Love just didn't choose to rest in the other person's heart.

If you find someone else in love with you and you don't love him,
feel honored that love came and called at your door,
but gently refuse the gift you cannot return.

If you fall in love with another,
and he falls in love with you,
and then love chooses to leave,
do not try to reclaim it or to assess blame.
Let it go.
There is a reason and there is a meaning.
You will know in time.

Remember that you don't choose love.
Love chooses you.
All you can really do is accept it for all its mystery
when it comes into your life.

Feel the way it fills you to overflowing,
then reach out and give it away.
Give it back to the person who brought it alive in you.
Give it to others who deem poor in spirit.
Give it to the world around you in any way you can.

This is where many lovers go wrong.
Having been so long without love,
they understand love only as a need.
They see their hearts as empty places that will be filled by love,
and they begin to look at love as something that flows to them
rather than from them.

Remember this, and keep it to your heart.
Love has its own time,
its own season,
and its own reason for coming and going.
You cannot bribe it or coerce it,
or reason it into staying.
You can only embrace it when it arrives
and give it away when it comes to you.

But if it chooses to leave fom your heart
or from the heart of your lover,
there is nothing you can do and there is nothing you should do.
Love always has been and always will be a mystery.
Be glad that it came to live for a moment in your life.
If you keep your heart open, it will come again.
Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently.

(i think i got this from big BOO's thread in PEx...)
Untitled #2

Sometimes, in our relentless efforts to find the person we love, we fail to recognize and appreciate the people who love us. We miss out on so many beautiful things and simply because we allow ourselves to be enslaved by our own selfish concerns. Go for the person of deeds and not for the one of words, for you will find rewarding happiness not with the one you love but the one whom loves you more.

The best lovers are those who are capable of loving from a distance, far enough to allow the other person to grow, but never too far to feel the love deep within your being. To let go of someone doesn't mean you have to stop loving, it only means that you allow that person to find his own happiness without expecting him to come back. Letting go is not just setting the other person free but it is also setting yourself free from all bitterness, hatred, and anger that you keep in your heart.

Do not let the bitterness rare away your strength and weaken your faith, and never allow pain to dishearten you, but rather let you grow with wisdom in bearing it. You may find peace in just loving someone from a distance not expecting anything in return. But be careful, for this can sustain life but can never give enough room for us to grow. We can all survive with just beautiful memories of the past but real peace and happiness come only with open acceptance of what reality is today.

There comes a time in our lives when we chance upon someone so nice and beautiful and we just find ourselves getting so intensely attracted to that person. This feeling soon becomes a part of our everyday lives and eventually consumes our thoughts and actions.

Others are lucky to have an actual fairy tale unfold in their lives, when they find that this is the significant other they've long been waiting for...

However, for some, the sad part of it is when we begin to realize that this person feels nothing more for us than just a friendship... but don't be so bitter about it! For it is a kind of FRIENDSHIP that will last for a LIFETIME!!! We start our desperate attempt to get noticed and be closer but in the end our efforts are still unrewarded and we end up being sorry for ourselves.

You don't have to forget someone you love. What you need to learn is how to accept the verdict of reality without being bitter or sorry for yourself. Believe me, you would be better off giving that dedication and love to someone more deserving. Don't let your heart run your life, be sensible, and let your mind speak for itself. Listen not only to your feelings but to reason as well.

Always remember that if you lose someone today, it means that someone better is coming tomorrow: If you lose love that doesn't mean that you failed in love. Cry, if you have to, but make sure that the tears wash away the hurt and the bitterness that the past has left with you. Let go of yesterday and love will find its way back to you.

And when it does, pray that it may be the love that will stay and last a lifetime...

"When I lost you, I was the one who loved you most, but between us you lost more. For someday I can love someone the way that I loved you but you will never be loved again the way that I did."

Tuesday, June 01, 2004
  am baccckkk...
i've been swamped with work and preparations for lulu's despedida that's why i haven't been updating my blog. so much has happened. i don't even know where to start.

well the past week has been a very emotional one for me. Lulu (my teamlead, mentor and friend) resigned and spent her last day with us yesterday. starting next week, she'll go on pursuing her dreams in a place that is definitely not in the desk beside me. we've been sitting next to each other practically ever since i got here. the days leading to May 31 were filled with tears and sadness and a sense of dread for me. though i know this is one of the best things that has happened to her, i still can't help but feel the loss. but as i have said over and over again, am happy for her and i would never even wish that she'd stay because i know she'll be better out there. in the following days, when i look at her desk and see another person already sitting on it, i would just really really need to remember that despite the changes, this has been a good thing.

for the occassion, we made her a scrapbook (which am quite proud of, actually) and a photo album complete with captions from all of our teambuildings and OTs and meetings since last year (since the start of the digital photo age). choosing all 155 photos was a bittersweet task for me. it's amazing how much memories and moments they captured.

and last weekend, a small group of us went to subic to spend 2 days of bonding time. just enough to let her know how much she'll be missed and how much we thank her for being more than just a teamlead. we never really got to go to the beach. saturday was spent travelling and buying groceries and cooking food. dinner was yummy. we all loved rhea's and lu's sinigang with fried chix on the side. weird combination, i know. we got that from anton. teehee.

so anyways, we spent the night from 10PM 'til 6 in the morning, bonding. with glenny and rhea sprawled on the aerospace, lulu on the sofa, van and ruth on the lazy boy and the rest of us perched comfortably on the seats, we spent 8 hrs straight (save for bathroom and yosi breaks) throwing questions at each other, twenty questions style. one would ask a question and everybody would answer. by the time we decided to call it a "night", my eyes were so puffy from crying that i could hardly open it, and my head was already spinning from the amount of alcohol i managed to take in the whole time. rhea and i must have consumed 3 pitchers of zombie (1 bottle of tanduay per pitcher) in 8 hrs. not surprisingly, when i woke up at 10am, i have this verrry bad hang over. teehee. :)

i've picked out some of the good and decent(hehe) pictures we took that night. here goes...

that's lulu on the second photo, rightmost side wearing pink.

a toast to friendship...

after lunch, we set off to go sight seeing. i enjoyed the bird aviary most. they have all kinds of real pretty birds including these little white and blue ones that i'd like to set free in my own wedding. haha.

and this owl fascinated me. perched on it's branch, i think i fell in love when it looked at me for a looonng time without blinking its eyes. i'd move slowly to my left and right and it would follow me. i'd like to have a pet owl one day and i'll name her hedwig. oh wow, how original. :) hahaha.

we also went to the butterfly garden. i didn't enjoy it as much because i was too afraid that the flying butterflies would get to my eyes. diba sabi nila nakakabulag daw yun? hehehe. glenny got these really cool pictures of rhea and marlette though.

can you tell that rhea absolutely loves butterflies? her face is practically glowing in her photo. and i think one day i'll blackmail marlette with this picture of hers. i'd edit it and remove her shirt. o diba, pwede na for FHM! hehehe.

the ride home was tiring but still a lot of fun. glenn's two-way radio idea was really cool. we got to talk to the peeps on the other car like they were really with us. you'd think after 8 hrs of non-stop talking the previous night, we'd get tired or even run out of questions to ask. but nooo...it went on from subic til we were so hungry that we couldn't think anymore. heehee.

i didn't get to sleep a wink during the ride home and i worked on the scrapbook til 3AM. it was one hell of an exhausting weekend. last night i got home 1AM because lulu took us out to dinner. but the fatigue was well worth it for me. i had a lot of fun and i spent real bonding moments with my friends. i also got to say the things i wanted to say to lulu before she left...i'll miss her. i'll miss all of the little thoughtful and quirky things she does. :(


i want to be swept off my feet because i know i'm worth it...


..::[this is me :)]::..



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